Love you whatever the cost
by thecarouselneverstopsturning
Summary: {SET DURING THE VERY FIRST EPISODE} After finding out about Paul the wine guy, Monica wonders about her future with men while Chandler wonders about his future with woman. Then they get together. Alternative ending to the pilot. C/M, R/R, J/P : )
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys sorry for the delay on updating; I have a really awful cough right now. So this is set during the very first episode where this is the alternative ending to this episode where after Monica found out about Paul the wine guy that she complates her future with men and, Chandler complates his future with woman. And they seek comfort between each othe** r.

That evening where Monica is eating a pint of ice cream and Chandler enters.

"I heard about the liar Paul the wine guy. I'm so sorry" Chandler says.

"It's okay. It was a stupid move, my mother is right. I will never get married or have kids" Monica sighs looking at the white ice cream.

He sat next to her and started to rub her back "No Mon don't say that. I love you so much and you are so beautiful"

"You really think I'm so beautiful?" She set the pint down and started to look at him dearly in the eyes.

"Yeah ever since I first saw you, even when you were fat I thought to myself. 'Wow she's so gorgeous" Chandler then lead out a small chuckle and added "I'm bad at this"

"I think you are better then you think" Monica smiled and before she could say something else he moved his lips to hers, enlocking them into a heated kiss.

"You know what?" she asked breaking the kiss, he nodded.

"This doesn't feel weird at all" she moaned at the fact that she is kissing her brother's best friend.

"Here let's go into your room" he takes her hand leading her into her bedroom.

In there they fall to the bed kissing. He then removes her pants and all of her clothing but then stops saying "I don't have any with me. Are you sure?"

"I'm on the pill. I love you Chandler. I don't mind if we make a baby together tonight, I want it to be part of both of us" Monica reassures him.

The words _, I'm on the pill. I love you Chandler. I don't mind if we make a baby together tonight, I want it to be part of both of us._ Running through Chandler's head like wildfire as he starts to make love to her; his best friend's little sister, maybe he shouldn't be doing that.

That morning, when it is light out Monica lay in Chandler's arms.

"You okay?" he asks.

'I''m fine. That was amazing" she replied as their lips interlock again.

Two months later C/M are hiding their relationship from everybody but Monica is not feeling well and throws up a lot.

"Mon! Are you okay?" Rachel asked banging on the bathroom door.

"Yeah I'm fine" Monica walks out limping and her face is all pale.

"You don't look okay. I'm calling the doctor now" Rachel picked up the phone.

 _TBC..._

 ** _Should what Monica have is serious or something else? Please read & love :^)_**


	2. Chapter 2

Continued from last chapter after Rachel has made the phone call to the doctor.

That evening Chandler enters.

"Hi Babe how are you feeling. Rach's told me you aren't feeling well?" Chandler asks his girlfriend.

"Chan I think I might be pregnant from our first night together" Monica looks at her period caculator and sure enough it says 2 months ago.

"Here Babe why don't I go to the store right now and get you a few tests" he grabs his thin winter coat and walk out the door.

A few minutes later Chandler is back with a few tests and hands Monica one saying "Take this Mon."

Five minutes later Monica couldn't believe what she was staring at. She and Chandler were going to be parents.

"Mon Babe! What did it say?" He called out from the living room.

Monica took a deep breath and walked out into the living room.

"It- it's positive. We are gonna be parents!" Monica annouces and she expected Chandler to walk away but a small smile formed on his face as he starts to spin her around.

"Oh Mon Babe I can't believe we are gonna be parents" Chandler kisses her passionately and pulls her into her bedroom.

A few days later C/M are at the sonogram, the doctor entered and saw Chandler stating

"I'm guessing this is the baby's father", C/M intertwine fingers and nod.

"So Ms. Geller I looked over your records. And you are in fact pregnant, two months" the doctor says. Then asks "How bad is your morning sickness"

Monica was just about to answer but Chandler beat her to the punch. "Really bad. She throws up a lot"

"Hmm well. The records state you got pregnant on September 26 so that makes the due date; August 9." the doctor tells the couple then pulls up the ultrasound.

As the ultrasound is up Monica asks "Where's the baby?".

Chandler kisses her hand then points saying "Hun the baby is that little peanut shaped thing"

"What kind of a mother I am that I can't see my own baby?" Monica cries.

"It's okay Mon. We are new to this" Chandler embraces her.

She looks at him deeply in the eyes and says "Thank you for not freaking out. I love you so much Chandler"

"I love you so much too Monica" he replied then kissed her.

The couple decided to tell the gang about the baby so they said "We are dating" after the entered Central Perk.

Ross looked angry and said "My best friend and my sister!"

But then Chandler annouces "Our other news is that me and Mon are having a baby"

"Mon! I so knew you were so pregnant" Phoebe clapped her hands together.

Ross wanted to punch Chandler for knocking up Monica but then exclaims "Oh my best friend and my sister are dating and having a baby!" and hugged them.

"Wow this is a scene from Cacoon" Joey commented, Rachel & Phoebe just rolled their eyes at him. Cacoon was an old people's movie.

"How far are you?" Rachel asked the soon to-be mother.

"We went to the doctor earlier. I am two months" Monica sipped coffee.

"I am so happy for you two" the girls hug her.

"My boy's growing up!" Joey patted Chandler on the back.

"I'm gonna be an uncle" Ross reacted happily.

Monica sat back hearing everybody talk about her and Chandler's baby. She wanted it to be a boy with his sandy brown hair and her blue eyes, if it was a girl too she would be happy. All she wanted was a healthy little baby who was a part of both of them.

 _TBC..._

 ** _I wanted to finsh this earlier but then my cough was acting up so I went to bed earlier then woke back up at 11pm. STFM :^)_**


	3. Chapter 3

**Happy new years eve!**

 ** _Chapter 3: Telling the Parents and hormones_**

It was the morning of Thanksgiving 1994 and C/M were going to tell their parents about the pregnancy...

Monica sighed, it was about her third month of pregnancy and a tiny bump was already forming.

Being that Monica is such a petite woman, she started to show quickly/rapidly.

"I'm so fat" she cried as she saw her growing belly in the mirror.

"No Mon you are pregnant not fat" Chandler wrapped his arms around her kissing her neck.

"No time for this" Monica pushed him away crying.

Chandler grew a hurt look on his face and she said "I'm so sorry. The pregnancy- my hormones"

"Ssh Mon it's okay I love you so much" he held her close stroking her hair.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you but I'm so glad I did. You're that angel sent from heaven above for me" she recited part of that song by Stevie Wonder.

"I love you Mon. Now you go lay down while me and the gang get the apartment ready for when all four of our parents come" He gave her a long, romantic kiss then as he was leaving her bedroom.

She shouted out "Chandler?"

He stopped in his tracks asking 'Yes", "I love you so much" Monica responded.

When Chandler left her bedroom to see the gang making the food, Ross asked "What's wrong with Monica?"

"The pregnancy is making her so moody and on top of having to tell all of our parents about it today" Chandler started chopping up the carrots.

"What?" Ross asked

"She's afraid your parents are gonna make her get an abortion or cut her off" Chandler explained.

"What no? My parents won't make her" Ross incredulously stated then questioned "Why didn't she tell them at Nana's funeral two weeks ago?"

"She was too afraid to" Chandler grew a look of concern on his face.

"Oh my god, I hope she's okay" Rachel sat down at the table.

A few hours later the Gellers and Mrs. Bing arrived.

"Mom, Dad...Mrs. Bing" Ross greeted his parents but his jaw dropped when he saw Mrs. Bing. He had a crush on her but he also had one on Rachel, love is too confusing.

"Here let me get your coats" Chandler took off his baby's mother's parents coats and his own mother's coats.

"Wow Sir. There is a lot of snow on you" Chandler joked.

"I have dandruff. It's not funny" Jack looked serious at him.

A little while later Judy turned over to Jack and whispered "I think Chandler's stoned again"

Ross pulled Chandler into Rachel's room and said "I think I know why my parents dislike you"

"Oh really? Why" Chandler muttered sarcastically.

"Because one day at college they walked in and smelled marijuana. So I said it was you and also that you jumped down out the window" Ross cleared his throught.

"Dude!" Chandler said furious.

Monica walked in and asked "What happened?"

"Ross told your parents I was the one who smoked pot in college and jumped out of the window" Chandler told his pregnant girlfriend.

"Ross! You told our parents that Chandler smoked pot while you did it. I want you to tell them that it was you" Monica demanded of her brother.

With that they entered the living room and Ross stood near his parents asking " Mom, Dad, you remember that-that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana?"

They look angrily at him and reply "Yes"

"Well I told you it was Chandler but it was me'" Ross looked at the floor.

"It was you?" Judy asked.

"And Dad the mailman you got fired didn't steal your playboys. Ross did!" Monica shot.

"Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did!" Ross fired back.

"Ross yelled at his boss!" Monica shouted.

"Oh yeah well Chandler got Monica pregnant!" Ross yelled back.

"Ross used to wear your makeup everyday Mom!" Monica fired.

"I love Sean Penn!" Phoebe screamed.

"Oh my I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle" Rachel gasped looking at the trifle recipe.

"I wanna play video games!" Joey banged his fists on the table.

"Oh my god. That's too much information to get in thirty seconds" Judy groaned in frustration.

Then stood up saying "Joey if you wanna play video games go, Phoebe I'm sorry but I think Sean Penn is married" and Rachel no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle; it did not taste good"

She then turned to Ross saying "Drugs, yelling at your boss and wearing my makeup"

"What happened son?" Jack asked.

"I- I got tricked into all those things" Ross tried saying.

Judy then turned her attention to her pregnant daughter and asked "Is it true Monica?"

"Yes me and Chandler are gonna be parents in six months!" Monica annouced.

"I'm gonna be a grandpa" Jack says.

"I'm too young to be a grandmother" Nora groaned.

 **(Let's say Charles is there also)**

"No you aren't" Charles stated.

"Shut up Charles" Nora flicked off her ex husband.

That evening in Monica's bedroom Chandler climbed in her bed when all of the guests retreated back to their apartments, houses and hotel rooms.

"I love you and Mommy so much. Never doubt that' Chandler tells the baby.

"I love you so much" she responded.

"I love you so much too Love and Baby Bing. You two are my world" he kissed her hand and started to undress her.

Monica recently started to show hints of a baby bump and complains that she's too fat but Chandler and everybody else try to convince her otherwise.

Afterwards, Monica lay in Chandler's arms saying "Make love to me again."

"As you wish" he grinned, sliding his hand up her back and started to make love to her again.

 **Part of it was taken from the season six episode 'The One Where Ross Got High (Uncut Version)' and a little tiny bit from the season seven episode 'The One With Ross' Library Book.' Happy new year eve guys. Xoxoxo :^)**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN* Some dialogue is taken from 'The one with the routine'. As always I own nothing. This is a 100% Mondler baby(yes definitely)**

 ** _December 1994_**

[Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are all decorating the tree but Ross isn't]

Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights. Chandler joked.

" That's a good story, Grandpa." Rachel commented.

(Ross enters)

 **"** Hey" Ross greeted.

"Hey Dude!" they all greeted back.

"Wow, Monica's letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or?" Ross said.

"I'm pregnant. I can't get drunk unless you want me to tell the story of how Chandler got me nice and knocked up" Monica who is proudly displaying a noticable baby bump smiles.

Then she showed the tree...

"Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It's about being with the people that you love" she annouced.

"That is nice and we're done. TADA!" Phoebe clapped her hands together.

(Her side of the tree looks a complete mess)

 **"** I dunno what it is, it just doesn't quite feel like Christmas to me." Chandler said sarcastically

"Oh, here." Monica answered and he placed his hand on her ever-growing belly.

(She turns the tree around so that her side, which is perfectly decorated, is showing)

 **"** See now it feels like Christmas!" Chandler has came to realization.

Kissing his pregnant girlfriend, "Eww guys!" Ross yelled.

"Oh my they love each other so much" Rachel gushed dreamily.

[The next afternoon]

"What the hell are you two doing?" Chandler asked as he entered the apartment to see Phoebe and Rachel looking for presents.

"Uhh nothing" Phoebe lied then said "Okay fine you got us. We were looking for presents"

"I can't believe this. Why are you doing this to Mon?" Chandler looked angrily at them.

"Why would she care? She's pregnant with your child and is horny all the time" Rachel stated then started to look for the presents.

"You two do gave a point here. The pregnancy is making Monica want do it with me all the time" Chandler answered.

"So do you wanna search. What if Mon gets you wonderful present but you get her nothing" Phoebe questioned.

"All right you two got me" the trio start to search.

"Oh lookey a Macys bag" Rachel exclaimed and looks on there pulling out a destroyed shoe.

"Eww old sneaker" she screamed in digust.

Phoebe read out the note

 _Dear Chandler,_

 _I knew they would get to you sooner or later. And do you losers really think I'd hide presents under the couch?_

 _Xoxo...Mon and Baby Bing._

"Come on! My own girlfriend and Baby Bing are turning their backs against me" Chandler groaned placing his hands on his face.

"Let's continue sesrching" the girls suggested.

[A few hours later]

 **Chandler:** I couldn't find anything at Joey-Hey-hey, oh hey!

 **Rachel:** Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats.

 **Phoebe:** Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap!

 **Chandler:** Those are my gifts, I got them for you.

 **Phoebe:** Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great!

 **Rachel:** Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing?

 **Chandler:** Those are book ends! That's a great gift!

 **Phoebe:** Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz.

 **Rachel:** Ha!

 **Chandler:** Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay?

 **Rachel:** Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey!

[An hour later]

 **Chandler:** Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter.

 **Phoebe:** Or we could just follow your clever jokes – any ideas? No! Didn't think so! Okay, c'mon guys, show us where the presents are!

 **Chandler:** Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that's as good as garbage?

 **Phoebe:** Hmm, how about my azzz?

(Rachel sits on the window seat, and knocks against it)

 **Rachel:** Hey, this is hollow.

 **Phoebe:** What?

 **Rachel:** This bench, it's hollow! I can't believe I never knew that! (She pushes all the pillows off it and opens it up) Oh, the presents!

 **Phoebe:** No, don't look directly at them!

 **Chandler:** What?

 **Phoebe:** Alright, no, we could look at them!

 **Rachel:** Oh, this one's for me!

 **Phoebe:** Oh, this one's for Chandler. Here.

 **Chandler:** Oh great!

 **Phoebe:** And the big one's for me!

 **Rachel:** Ooh, let's open them!

 **Chandler:** Okay! Okay! Okay!

 **Phoebe:** Hee hee!

 **Chandler:** Wait, we can't do this.

 **Phoebe and Rachel:** Why?

 **Chandler:** I don't wanna know what Monica got me. Y'know? I mean, look, I'm sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about.

 **Rachel:** Whatever Linus, I'm opening mine.

 **Chandler:** Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don't know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica's face when I give her my present, and I'm sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back?

 **Phoebe:** Will you get us better gifts?

 **Chandler:** Fine!

(Monica enters wearing her homely chef jacket with her hand on her belly, and they throw the gifts behind them.)

 **Monica:** Hey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier?

 **Chandler:** That's what you got me?

 **Phoebe:** Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless.

(The Geller siblings and Joey enter Dick Clarks)

 **Ross:** Got it!

(They get to the main stage)

 **Ross:** Oh my God it's just like I dreamed it!

 **Director:** OK, everyone gather up.

(Monica and Ross push to the front)

 **Monica and** **Ross:** 'Scuse us

 **Director:** Here's what's gonna happen. The music's gonna start, you're gonna dance, we're gonna tape, you don't look at the camera. Any questions?

 **Ross:** Yeah, I have a question. When is this gonna air?

(He and Monica laugh)

 **Director:** Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.

 **Joey:** Ross! So when is it gonna air?

(Monica then takes off her jacket revealing a bump)

 **Director:** Excuse me Ma'am you can't dance here while pregnant.

 **Ross:** That's my sister.

 **Directior:** Well then tell your sister she can't dance here while pregnant.

 **Ross:** Hey hey that's not the rule and you know it.

 **Monica** : Bro I can't believe you just did that.

 **Ross** : Anything for my lil' sis.

[Scene: The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing.]

 **Monica:** Man, this sucks! Y'know if Mom and Dad don't see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, who's gonna be the losers then?

 **Ross:** Hey, I know what'll get us up on a platform!

 **Monica:** What?

 **Ross:** The routine!

 **Monica:** Ross, we haven't done the routine since middle school.

 **Ross:** Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, he'll wanna build us our own platform!

 **Monica:** Was it really that good?

 **Ross:** We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, it's almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice?

 **Monica:** Okay, let's do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced!

(They move into a space, and Ross points to his eyes and then to hers)

 **Monica:** 5 6 7 8!

(They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have to watch it. I'm sorry.)

(When they finish, they walk over to the director)

 **Ross:** So, do we really have to ask who's going up on the platform next?

 **Director:** Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!

 **Monica:** Yes! (They run over to a platform)

 **Director:** (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, they're gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again it's gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybody's excitement.

[20 minutes later. Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a platform!]

 **Ross:** Can you believe this? We're gonna be on the platform for the Millennium moment!

 **Monica:** I know! Hey, you haven't been practising the routine, have you?

 **Ross:** No!

 **Monica:** Me too!

 **Ross:** Hey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe goind into the robot, y'know? (He mimics a robot)

 **Monica:** Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we don't wanna look stupid!

 **Director:** Alright we're back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)

 **Joey's Head:** Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny.

 **All:** Three, Two, One!

 **Director:** Cut!

 **Joey:** No! Year! Happy No Year!

 **Director:** Okay, here's where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone that's a wrap!

Geller-Greene residence .Everyone except Joey is there.]

 **Monica:** We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled 'CUT!'

 **Rachel:** Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from eighth grade?

 **Monica:** Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. (To Ross) Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me!

 **Rachel:** 'Cos I was gonna say there's no way you could've done the end the way you guys did it back then!

 **Monica:** What? We could do it!

 ** **Ross:**** I don't know, I mean you were a lot bigger, I mean, stronger back then.

 **Monica:** I can do it, okay? Come on, let's go. (She and Ross get up)

 ** **Monica and Ross:**** 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Ross runs to be caught by Monica, but she moves out of the way)

 **Monica:** I can't do it! (Ross falls into Monica's room)

 **Chandler:** Now you do that, you're on TV.(Wraps his arms around her)

 **AN* Night night guys. I have school in the morning**


	5. Chapter 5

Authors Note: Hi guys, sorry for the delay!

Long story, short: Joey and Phoebe met Alex and Mike on New Years through Rachel. And the Lobsters hadn't got together..just yet. Rachel is dating Paolo. Mondler found out they were having a baby boy a few days ago.

 _January 1995_

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's.]

Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.

Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)

Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.

(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)

Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.

Rachel: No way, forget it.

Joey: C'mon, she's your mom!

Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?

Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!

Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'

Monica: Oh I remember page 79! Yow!

Joey: Oh yeah the thing after the opera with the girl with the trick hip. Huh? (Chandler looks at him. So he stops.)

Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.

Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.

Ross: Oh, please...

(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)

Paolo: Bona sera.

Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)

Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?

Monica: Last night.

Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.

Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on!

Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!

Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about?

Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?

Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...

Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?

All: Shhh.

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.

Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH FUCKING INFORMATION!

[Time lapse. Everybody's still watching Nora Bing on Jay Leno.]

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Needless to say, he got a huge tip.

Rachel: Oh my god, I love her!

Chandler: I think I'm having a stroke.

Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love...

All: Awww!

Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.

Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.

(The gang turn to look at Chandler)

Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.

[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]

Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu)

Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?

Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.

Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.

Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. I heard about the divorce. Lesbian, huh?

Ross: Yeah.

Mrs. Bing: Well you know what they say: be careful what you wish for. (the gang is stunned.) (They both sit down) Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.

Chandler: I know I am.

Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots?

Monica: I can't.

Phoebe: I'm in.

Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross?

Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.

Mrs. Bing: So tell me Monica, how fair along are you and what's the gender of my first grandbaby.

Monica: Tell her Sweetie.

Chandler: We are having a baby boy in May.

Mrs. Bing: Aww, my little boy is having his own little baby boy. I'm so proud of you!

(Chandler sighs and kisses up Monica's arm then they intertwined fingers)

(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)

Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time.

Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)

[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a jeweler's eye.]

Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?

(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)

Ross: Umm, I'm going to go to tinker town.

Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.

Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]

Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?

(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')

Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?

Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)

Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?

Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.

Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.

Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.

Ross: You're good.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?

Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off.

Ross: When?

Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.

Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!

Ross: Please.

Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...

Ross: Right.

Mrs. Bing: Yes you are. And the fact that you don't think you are makes you even sexier. Ahh kiddo, you are gonna be fine, believe me.

(She kisses him on the cheek)

Ross: Uh-oh...

(...Then full on the mouth)

(Enter Joey)

Joey: Uhhhh... I'll just pee in the street.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown—it's Ross.]

Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)

Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?

Joey: Right. No big deal.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: In Bizarro World! You broke the code!

Ross: What code?

Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!

Ross: Hey, he knocked up my sister...that's worse!

(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)

Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?

Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?

Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.

Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.

Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.

Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.

Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door)

Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.

Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?

Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's...

Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?

Ross: Well... not in the same way...

Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?

Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...

(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?

Ross: Well, not playing racquetball!

Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!

Ross: He didn't get the goggles!

Rachel: Well, sounds like you two have issues.

(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)

Rachel: Goodbye, baby.

Paolo: Ciao, bela.

(They kiss. Ross is watching them)

Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?

(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)

Joey: So are you gonna tell him?

Ross: No, I'm not going to tell him. Why would I tell him?

Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.

Ross: Oh...

Monica: (Entering with her hand on her growing belly) What are you guys doing here?

Joey: Uhhhh... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!

Monica: ...What did I ask?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.]

Chandler: Oh my God.

Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.

Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?

Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.

Chandler: What?

Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-

Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?

Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what would have happened.

Ross: Thanks, man, big help.

Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?

Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-

Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.

Ross: I know-

Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)

Ross: Chandler-

Joey: Me neither, y'know what-

Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.

Joey: What are you mad at me for?!

Ross: Chandler-

Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)

Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code?

Ross: Joey-

Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.]

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'.

Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?

Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.

Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hello.

Monica: Hello.

Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight?

Monica: No, you?

Phoebe: No, you?

Monica: You just asked me.

Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this now?

Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!

Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.

Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.

Joey: Don't picture my dad knocking up my mom. Just try and picture Chandler knocking up Monica.

Ross: Eww...Joey!

Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.

Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:)

 _You don't have to be awake to be my man,  
As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand.  
Though we just met the other day,  
There's something I have got to say..._

(She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)

Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!

(Enter Chandler)

Chandler: What was that?

Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a...

Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, all right there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter)

Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up.

Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.

Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.

Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?

Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!

(People turn to look)

Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play.

Chandler: That's very funny. We done now?

Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel?

Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. All right? Trust me, you can't talk to her.

Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]

Mrs. Bing: (entering, there's a scene showing this part) Hey kiddo, car's running downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Autographed. And give you a goodbye kiss. So here's a kiss (gives him one) here's you want from Lisbon?

Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.

Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)

Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.

Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.

Chandler: Really stupid.

Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again.

Chandler: Really really stupid.

Mrs. Bing: Really really stupid. Are we okay now?

Chandler: Yeah. No. No...

[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.]

Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.

Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.

Ross: You're kidding.

Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?"

Ross: Wow!

Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realize I have a bomb?"

Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?"

Joey: That makes more sense.

Ross: So, what's going on now?

Joey: I don't know, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! (Goes back to the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spy hole)

Ross: Whaddya see?

Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!

(Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his mom come out)

Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo?

Chandler: Yeah, okay.

Mrs. Bing: All right. (Kisses him)

Chandler: Drive safe.

(She walks down the hall)

Ross: (Very politely) Mrs. Bing.

Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller.

(She leaves)

(Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: You mean that?

Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.

Ross: Yeah? How'd it go?

Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn't have gone worse.

Ross: Well, how do you feel?

Chandler: Pretty good! I told her.

Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't have to go down that road.

[Scene: Monica's bedroom. Chandler climbs in right next to her]

Chandler(To the baby): Hi Baby Boy Bing, I love you and Mommy so much.(The baby kicks under his hand and Monica stirs as the baby gives her a hard kick)

Monica: I love you so much too.

(He starts to unbutton her maternity pj pants and she started to take off his sweatervest)

Afterwards, Monica lay in Chandler's arms.

Monica: Make love to me again.

Chandler: As you wish(Slids his hand up her back)

He starts to make love to her again.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The next afternoon, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang.]

Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.

Phoebe: What, she could have 'heaving beasts.'

Rachel: Right, right but in this case she doesn't.

Monica: What's a 'niffle'?

Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.

Rachel: All right, all right, so I'm not a great typist...

Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

Rachel: All right, that's it! Give it back! That's it!

All: Nooo!

Phoebe: Oh wait, wait, wait, no. I just got to the part about her 'public hair'.

Authors Note: Well this was kind of awkward, but what can you do? Good bye for right now!


End file.
